I tried to hide the terror in my eyes

So that you wouldn't have to see me like this

Trembling arms, clammy hands

Clawed at my ears to stop the voices in my head

I thought that visiting would restore me

I thought that was what I had been missing

But I'm sorry to say that this only make me worse

I don't have a bed for now

But I'm shaking alone on this couch

And just like Dan did

I think I'm finally going to

Break break break down

Only this time I'll do it silence

So no one will know

I'm slowly dying from the inside out.

Dissolving on the inside, fractured on the out

I tell my self "take care, take care, take care

Don't let this overcome you"

But the dream ended long ago

And I can't sleep away this nightmare

Its starts all over each time I open my eyes

Anything would be better than this ride

But I can't stop the car

Or open the door

The ship is sinking

There isn't a life vest in sight

And I've forgotten how to swim.

So for now I will delay the inevitable

And drown a little slower.

My Mask Of Insanity

Long nights with out sleep

Tossing and turning

Floating through the hours

Gazing into the abyss

Voiceless faces stare back With looks of pity

As dawn draws near

I adorn my mask of insanity

Forged from lies of contentment

To hide what truly resides within

Through the progression of the day

I feel the mask begin to crack

And fear the worst

As you begin to see inside

Covering up the faults

With feeble excuses

And when dusk nears

I begin fabricating a new masK

Each one weaker than the last

Brittle Bones

My brittle bones are frozen

Through and through

Shattering like glass

At the thought of you

My soul withers

Down to nothing

When I see the stars

And I realize I am meaningless

Stuck in a rip tide

Fighting toward the shore

Using the last ounce of hope

Praying for a life line

To get me out of this hole

Sinking fast to the oceans end

Threatening to swallow me whole

My tears are lost on the waves

Your name is silenced by the storm

As I join the others In this watery grave

Empty Spaces

I slept on the old broken couch

Cause the bed was just too big with out you

Your scent was still on the blanket

And the satin sheets reminded me of your skin

And I miss the feel of you against me

Like a quilt on a cold December night

And I miss the slow rise and fall of our chests

Like the lulling ebb and flow of the ocean

And I whispered to the darkness

Every thought that came to mind

As they were born within my heart

And the sweet nothings were lost

To the empty space where your photo use to be.

Runic Code

Each morning is set out in search

Of a fate I have yet to know

Wandering in the mountains of yesterday

Rambling, ranting, shouting, madly

Lost in a fortress of snow

All i have found thus far

Is that all I have left

Are handfuls of pipe dreams

And a half pack of smokes

Each day I find new meaning

In the caves where it is stowed

Alas its meaning is hidden

Written in bizarre runic code.

Powders & Poisons

I've been awake for days on end

Putting shit up my nose

Trying desperately to keep the anxiety at bay

Avoiding this nightmare you call life

Trying not to let the sadness in

But its everywhere I look

Its in everything I see

And when sleep finally comes

All I see are demons

Every time I close my eyes

It just stirs up white noise

Stirs up too many memories

Memories of Rhonda

Of Rhonda and myself

Of another time and place

Another life

But that life has dissipated

And now I am left with nothing

Left to fill the space you left

With powders and poisons

And now there's nothing left

And now I am nothing.

For Heather M. Winchell

First positive thing I've written in....only god knows how long....

In all the ways you move, you amaze me.

Like the way your eyes shine so bright it makes the stars jealous.
Or the way you float above the ground so gracefully.

Very little can be said to accurately describe you, but.

Every day I swear I will try to find new ways.

You have a beauty so profound it can make the heavens cry.

Others cannot compare to you in my eye.

Undoubtedly you are the reason I wake up in the morning.

Obliteration Of A Life

Standing over your lifeless corpse

I relish in what I have done

As I look into your now vacant eyes

I wonder if this is what I've become

A deluge of hate wases over me

Like the flood of blood at my feet

All I hear are your cries for mercy

Just before I take this blade

And slit your throat

As you silently bleed out

I begin the dismemberment

The screams from your eyes

Now louder than your voice once was

Tears stream down your face

A futile attempt to wash away the blood

Nothing left for you to do

But wait for it to end

But I wont stop stabbing

'Til you stop bleeding

The end of your life

Brings the beginning of mine

Finally, I am alive.

Fucked up & Dying.

we are all fucked up and we are all dying

we are all getting fucked up and we are all lying

only honest to one and only in the silence of there empty four walls

we are wishing things could change

we are wishing thay could understand

only at the end of the night i am left with an empty hollow in my chest, left longing for more

only at the end of the night i dissolve once again into the sheets and i am left to wonder if you think about the fleeting moments of connection as often as i do.

Scars

there will be a scar on my arm for everyday we do not speak.

a scar to show how much you mean to me and how much this hurts me too.

but you will never know because i will never show.

and you will never understand

because words will forever fall short to convey what lays behind these hazel eyes.

Lady Morphine

lade morphine, bearer of bad dreams and less pain,

come visit me once more.

i long for your scent to fill my nostrils,

and your skin against mine.

exhale your death into my lungs,

fill me with your essence.

rattle around inside my ribs,

crawl up and down my spine.

seep into my brain,

absorb into each and every cell.

coat the walls of my veins,

end this insurmountable pain.

draw the curtains on my final act,

step back and watch as i fade into the blackness below.

connection

forget the dots

lets connect the lines

make the parallels

become equilaterals

our worlds will collide

and our hearts entwine.

weve been running along

stuck on these tracks

but everything was wrong

were constantly looking back.

together we can derail this train

and relish in the beautiful catastrophe.

we need to get off this grid

and make a way of our own

lets connect the lines

make the parallels

become equilaterals

forget the dots

lets connect our lines.

something pt.2

I met insanity tonight
She walked me through her garden
Showed me all beauty it had to offer
There was much to see
We spent much time there

Ages and ages hence
The sun finally set
Everything faded to black
I found myself lost
In a repeat thought

I became a ghost tonight
Surrounded by paper cut out figures
Stuck in their own worlds
Their glass eyes looking right through me

I danced with death tonight
Waltzed beautifully around a grand hall
For an audience that had no face
My bones felt frail and brittle
As my cheek brushed against hers
We stood on the edge of the world
Inching ever closer
With each movement played by the orchestra
She whispered in my ear
All the temptations
Of death and its sweet release

Then I felt a presence that I had not felt in ages
Your presence, in angelic form
Came to comfort my wavering soul
You reminded me that you never left my side
And that all this was temporary and transient.

something pt.1

Transcending the blood-brain barrier
Flowing through my vessels
Working out to my hands & feet
& back to my heart, riding the crimson wave
Pupils dilate, light rapidly increases
This room becomes the only world we know
We destroy ourselves to create this universe
Trees sprout up & flowers blossom out of our chest
Birds take flight from our eyes
We create something from nothing
Then we entangle & galaxies collide
Passion engulfs the stars in flames
They fall from the sky & everything dies
As the roots undo, our world dissolves
The black abyss rolls in & over us
Like a fog off the California shoreline
We descend down the mountain, all is lost
this fleeting feeling, never found again.