Currently obsessed with this movie.

"Meet me...in Montauk"

Some one meet me there.

5:23pm and i am dead to the world.

i am constantly wondering who i really am.

i am constantly trying to box myself in.

i am constantly trying to use labels and genres to define myself.

i constantly feel that life would be so much easier if everything was clean cut, boxed, and labeled.

who the fuck am i?

what the fuck am i even doing?

where the fuck do i belong?

when the fuck will i know?

how the fuck will i know, if or when it happens.

all i want to do is have a nice simple life.

i want my car paid off as soon as financially possible.

i want my car to last me for the rest of forever, so i wont have to buy a new one.

i want to either live alone or with someone i really really like and/or love.

i want all the movies and musics my heart desires.

i want to remember all the german i learned in school and then some

i want and need to be more physically fit.

i need to get better at what i do so that when the time comes i can move on to the next level.

i'll never tell....you'll never know

http://www.sixbillionsecrets.com/

some are mine, some aren't.
some apply to me. some don't.
some make me cry. some make me cry even harder.

1. Sometimes, I wish I could fake my own death, just to see if anyone would notice.
2. I'm Bi-Sexual, and although I'm not hiding it anymore, I still wonder if God hates me.
3. I collect articles of clothing from people that mean the most to me.
   
4. I tell everyone I don't believe in God, and I don't believe in heaven. Really, I'm just afraid that there is no such thing as heaven, because then i'll never see my mom again. I'm preparing myself for disappointment.
5. I started cutting in 7th grade. You knew all along and never once tried to help me. I fought with the addiction for 5 years until I found someone who cared enough to help. Now that you are an alcoholic, I can't bring myself to help you knowing that you never wanted to help me.
6. Sometimes I feel like I am doomed to a sub-par life. I'm kind of okay with it.
7. It's hard to say you're still my best friend. You're always too busy for me. I listen to your problems. Your never around for mine.
   
8. I need help, lots of help. I need to be medicated. I just won't openly admit it because O'm afraid it means losing you.
   
9. You have no idea, that when I sing in the car, it's not me singing along, it's me singing to you. You asked why I don't go on stage, and the reason is on stage you might not be there to listen while I sing to you.
10. I drink because of you. I drink to forget you. I drink so it won't hurt anymore. I drink because of what you did you my two sisters and I.
    
11. I know you think your family is breaking apart. Even though I know mine is much worse, I'll still keep a smile and help you through it because your my friend.
12. When I was younger I used to pray and wish that everyone who was sick would give their sickness to me so they wouldn't have to suffer.

sometimes i am beautiful.
sometimes i believe this is truth.
sometimes.

darling you have yet to hold me close
during the war, with your heart
i can see strait down your crooked teeth
you feel so dumb, mouth open large
you've got exactly what I'm drinking for

darling you can bet to see my ghost
up on the wall watching you eat
yeah its true i dream about you two
grinding my mouth losing my teeth
you are exactly what a night-mares for.
i'll night marry you.

skipper i can barely swab the deck,
slipping around on fishes bones
commonly i write more than i speak
about our love with sticks and stones
i've seen you cast away this cast before
and your casting spells again

doctor I've got bandages and bloods
places underneath my minute gun
finally the funeral unique
to all my sins, there all long gone
they are exactly what this crying is for
they are exactly what this dying is for
you are exactly what I'm dying for

006

We drank each others blood
like a cheap red wine
We didn't stop
until you got cold and I felt old
We got lost in my mind
and found ourselves in your soul
We got tangled in this mess
and pulled at our heartstrings
We lost all sense of time
and knew that everything was fine

005

I felt that audible cry
come from deep within your eyes
and your heart was pleading
for one more gorgeous day...
though I am ten thousand
feet above the ground
and though lightning fights
against these wings
I took the ribbon that you tied
to my voice last night
and held on for dear life
knowing it would one day
lead me home to you.

Esao Andrews

MY HERO!

And I Felt Love Again

This is a short story I just finished writing. It is based around a dream I had about a week ago.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The lights were turned down low over the bar in the smoke filled room. Joe and I leaned back, took long steady drags of our Newports and even longer sips of our rum and cokes.
Something was on Joe's mind; I could tell by the way he gazed blankly at the bottles on the shelf behind the bar. I also knew that something troubled him because that's the only time he ever goes to the tavern, and I'm always the one with him here during these times, which are few and far between.
More than half of the times I met him there he wouldn’t say more than ten words the full three or more hours we were there. His silence never did sit well with me, I usually wouldn't ever pester him about what was on his mind but today his silence was deafening.
Taking another drag of the cigarette, the smoke wafting out as I spoke, "So, you going to tell me what's on your mind or no?" I asked, glancing over at him out of the corner of my eye.
Breaking his staring contest with the alcohol bottles to look at me briefly and then turning his attention to the drink in his hand, he sighed loudly, and began to ramble. "I don't really know dude, I mean, I do....but I can't exactly say for sure. I just have...this feeling, and it’s stronger than anything I have ever felt before. It’s like you have a dream that you’re so certain is real because of its intensity and then you wake up and your more confused by the feeling your left with than the dream its self. You know?" he said, lighting another cigarette.
I was completely baffled by the length of his answer. "Yeah, I know the feeling, but what's it got to do with this?" I asked as I took another sip, peering over the rim of the glass.
"I can't say quite yet, I don't want it to be a 'too soon kind of situation' ya know?" He said, looking around at anything but me.
"Hmmm....yeah" I said and left it at that.
We sat there for several minutes, keeping the river of intoxication flowing into our veins. Joe sat there in his silence while I made small talk about sports with the bar tender. Eventually he got up from his bar stool and staggered over to the juke box. He fed five dollars in, picked a few songs, and lazily wandered back to the stool where we continued to sit in silence.
In the back of my mind and on the tip on my tongue were unspoken prayers to an unknown god for my friend Joe. I felt like a horrible hypocrite but I didn't really care because I was so severely frightened by his state of being that I felt something needed to be said someone out there on his behalf.
Just I as I finished pleading, a group of twenty-something year old college kids walked in and the faint sound of the music coming from the jukebox was consumed by the dull roar of chatter coming from the group. Today was the last day for finals at the local community college and they we all out to celebrate the end of the semester.
As the minuets flowed steadily into hours Joe and I watched the students’ party the night away, and several times we exchanged glances, chuckled at the thought of the armatures throwing their caution to the wind and the amount of regret that they would be feeling in the morning. After about three hours the group left for another bar and we were once again the only patrons in the bar.
The bartender, Anthony, and high school friend of ours began to wipe down tables and turn off the neon signs hanging in the windows that indicated the bar was still open. At this late hour neither Joe, Anthony, nor myself expected any one to walk into this out of the way bar that was being shut down for the night so we all whipped out heads around when we heard the door creaking open. Joe and I, being well past the point of intoxication, had to take a moment to focus our eyes to see who was walking in and if we knew them. Anthony on the other hand, sober as a bird, recognized her right away.
“Hello Elise, long time no see.” Anthony said as he smiled and went back to cleaning the tables off.
“Hey.” She said, half heartedly.
Elise, Joe’s girlfriend of four years and my younger sister, never came to the bar. Ever. With her arrival my suspicions that something was wrong were confirmed and my anxiety grew exponentially. As she walked over to us and she swam into better focus I could clearly see was distraught, eyes puffy and mascara running from crying. When Joe realized her emotional state as well, he stood up and reached out to hold her hand although in his face and eyes there wasn’t so much as a flinch or any change from how he had been all night long. When their eyes met, they held each other’s gaze for several long moments. No one said a word. Even the jukebox seemed to take the hint and quietly fade out.
Eventually her eyes broke away from his; she looked down at the floor and moved her foot around an invisible circle. His stare remained unchanged. A few seconds later she began to speak. Joe, I have something I need to tell...” but she was quickly interrupted by Joe.
“I already know.” He said softly, pulling her closer.
“What? How could you possibly…” again, she was interrupted.
“I just do. And its okay I’m not worried about it.”
“But how?”
Finally he blinked, a glossiness in his eyes was reflected by what lighting there was, and I could tell he was holding back tears. Sixteen years I have known Joe and never once have I ever seen or heard of him crying. Their eyes met once again and she began to weep, not out of sadness but of joy for the understanding that Joe seemed to have. Joe smiled at Elise, she smiled back. He pulled her in closer to him and wrapped his arms around her.
Then, leaning back and kissing her on the cheek he said “The Lord showed me dreams of my daughter, she was crying inside your stomach.” She smiled even bigger and cried even harder.

Built Then Burn (Hurrah! Hurrah!)

Dear Brothers and Sisters!
Dear Enemies and Friends!
Why are we all so alone here?
All we need is a little more hope, a little more joy
All we need is a little more light, a little less weight, a little more freedom
If we were an army, and if we believed that we were an army
And we believed
That everyone was scared
Like little lost children in their grown up clothes and poses
So we ended up alone here
Floating through long wasted days
Or great tribulations
While everything felt wrong

Good words
Strong words
Words that could've moved mountains
Words that no one ever said
We were all waiting to hear those words
And no one ever said them
And the tactics never hatched.
And the plans were never mapped.
And we all learned not to believe.
And strange lonesome monsters loafed through the hills
wondering why
And it is best to never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever wonder why

So tangle; Oh tangle us up in bright red ribbons!
Let's have a parade
It's been so long since we had a parade
So let's have a parade
Let's invite all our friends
And all our friends' friends
Let's promenade down the boulevards
With terrific pride
And light in our eyes
Twelve feet tall and staggering!
Sick with joy
With the angels there
And light in our eyes
Brothers and Sisters
Hope still waits in the wings
Like a bitter spinster
Impatient
Lonely
And shivering
Waiting to build her glorious fires.
I's because of our plans man;
Our beautiful ridiculous plans!
Let's launch them like careening jet planes!
Let's crash all our planes in the river!
Let's build strange and radiant machines
At this Jericho waiting to fall

002, 003

003


Together we lay

naked on your floor

Side by side

As I turned to

Sleep this feeling away

You opened up your heart to me

A chest of hidden treasures

Memories, fears, joy, sorrow

An endless river flowing to me

A parade of colors marching

before my eyes

An explosion of sound

Crashing within my ear

A soft caress

Upon my lips

In the morning

We were amazing

And my shirt smelled

Just like your night skin







002



The ocean air on my face

and the wind in your hair

we sang until our throats were raw

And the birds could not have been more liberated

Than we were in that moment

You smiled at me

I swallowed my thoughts

Pushed back tears

And made everything okay

For you.

001

With our body heat
and the friction we made
between the sheets
we set the bed on fire.
but our love
kept our bodies safe
the flames
could only kiss
our brows
and its teeth
never did pierce our flesh

Circa Is LOVE

http://www.shockhound.com/videos/972-interview--circa-survive

004

As bare and exposed
As the day we were born
We bled out all out thoughts
And cried out all out fears
On the dirty hardwood floor.

feeling like butter spread over too much bread.

dr34m t34m l0v3

IN. LOVEE.

feeling so weak and fragile.

finding hope and strength in music! :]

O CAPTAIN! my Captain! our fearful trip is done;
The ship has weather’d every rack, the prize we sought is won;
The port is near, the bells I hear, the people all exulting,
While follow eyes the steady keel, the vessel grim and daring:
But O heart! heart! heart!
O the bleeding drops of red,
Where on the deck my Captain lies,
Fallen cold and dead.



O Captain! my Captain! rise up and hear the bells;
Rise up—for you the flag is flung—for you the bugle trills;
For you bouquets and ribbon’d wreaths—for you the shores a-crowding;
For you they call, the swaying mass, their eager faces turning;
Here Captain! dear father!
This arm beneath your head;
It is some dream that on the deck,
You’ve fallen cold and dead.



My Captain does not answer, his lips are pale and still;
My father does not feel my arm, he has no pulse nor will;
The ship is anchor’d safe and sound, its voyage closed and done;
From fearful trip, the victor ship, comes in with object won;
Exult, O shores, and ring, O bells!
But I, with mournful tread,
Walk the deck my Captain lies,
Fallen cold and dead.

life

its a fucking learning process.
i'm working getting to where i need to be.

And I will wear my scars like badges of honor.

yeah.okay.
ill.be.okay.
alright.fine.
ill.be.just.fine.
NO!
im.ready.
to.give.in.and.give.up.
all.hope.has.faded.
im.lost.
in.swirling.cesspool.of.black.and.red.
the.foul.air.
is.tainted.with.such.bitter.despair.
AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
someone.let.me.out.
someone.save.me.
i.cant.do.this.on.my.own.
i.am.so.tired.of.being.alone.
i.am.so.sick.of.this.lonely.feeling.
okay!okay!
im.not.okay!
you.have.seen.straight.through.me.
alright!alright!
im.not.alright!
you.knew.the.smiles.were.not.real.

So there was this woman and
she was, uh, on an airplane and
she's flying to meet her fiancé
sailing high above the--the largest ocean
on planet earth and she was seated
next to this man who, you know
she had tried to start conversations
an really--really the only thing
she heard him say was to order his bloody mary
and she's sitting there and she's reading
this really arduous magazine article about a
third world country that she couldn't
even pronounce the--the name of and
she's feeling very bored and very despondent
and--and then, uh, suddenly there's this huge mechanical failure and one of the--the engines gave out
and they started just falling -an- thirty thousand feet
and the pilot's on the microphone and he's saying,
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Oh My God, I'm Sorry"
and apologizing and she looks at the man and she--and she says,
"Where are we going?" and he looks at her and he says,
"We're going to a party, it--it's a birthday party.
It's your birthday party, happy birthday darling.
We love you very, very, very, very, very, very, very much."
And then, uh, he starts humming this little tune and--and, uh, it kind of goes like this....

waiting for the storm to pass.
waiting for the skies to clear.
waiting for the sun.

the weight of one thousand lonely thoughts pressing down on my back.
walls closing in.
questioning motives.
full of hate.
unanswered questions.
lost in a fog of uncertainty.
longing for peace.

untitled

walking the blocks from one cozy familiar place to another, listening to some instrumental music, i look around at the earth. the sky, the grass, the trees, the birds and the bugs, and even the cars and buildings. and as i do so and as the intoxicating river flows through my veins and settles into my bones, i cannot help but think one thing. THE EARTH IS NOT A COLD DEAD PLACE.

The times they are a-changin

i find it so odd how so many things can change over time.
comparing the past to the present makes me realize this.
recently i have been listening to a lot of jazz and swing.
10years ago i would have told you that jazz was the most dull and annoying music ever.
10years ago i was also in to rap, hip-hop, and pop music.....

i wonder where i will be in 10years from now...

The Dead Flag Blues

The car is on fire, and there's no driver at the wheel
And the sewers are all muddied with a thousand lonely suicides
And a dark wind blows

The government is corrupt
And we're on so many drugs
With the radio on and the curtains drawn

We're trapped in the belly of this horrible machine
And the machine is bleeding to death

The sun has fallen down
And the billboards are all leering
And the flags are all dead at the top of their poles

It went like this:

The buildings tumbled in on themselves
Mothers clutching babies
Picked through the rubble
And pulled out their hair

The skyline was beautiful on fire
All twisted metal stretching upwards
Everything washed in a thin orange haze

I said, "Kiss me, you're beautiful -
These are truly the last days"

You grabbed my hand
And we fell into it
Like a daydream
Or a fever

We woke up one morning and fell a little further down
For sure it's the valley of death

I open up my wallet
And it's full of blood


The Dead Flag Blues
Godspeed You Black Emperor!

not happy. not sad.

over the past several months i have come to realize and come to terms with the fact that i am not an overly happy person, but im not too sad all the time either. i really believe that i am just happy enough. happy enough to be content in life, to be semi-normal, and happy enough to not want to kill myself(which, for all intents and purposes is a good thing) and i am okay with that. just like everyone else i have my good days and i have my bad days. although sometimes i feel like the bad days happen more often than not but at the same time i feel that the good days out shine the bad days.

people just want to be heard.

i realize that about nine times out of ten that when someone asks the question "how are you doing?" they dont really want to hear how your life is going, they want two things; one. to hear that your doing well and two. to give them a reason to bitch about how shitty their life is, whether you want to hear it or not.
i am no exception to this, i really do try not to but sometimes i cannot help it.
i want to be heard.
i want to know that i have a voice.
and i want to know that im not the only fucked up person in this fucked up world.

The music of a silent generation.

With much thanks to a very good friend of mine, Dirk Thompson, I have a great love and appreciation for instrumental music. And it all began in the summer of 2007, it all began with Explosions In The Sky. After that I discovered Godspeed You Black Emperor! And so many more since then. The reason I love such music is that you can get lost in it. There are no vocals, so there is no strain in attempting to remember the lyrics. You can close your eyes and visualize vibrant bursts colors, or stare out into the distance and let your mind wander. I have recently been discovering new instrumental bands and it has been a great experience. In fact I love discovering new music in general. I love finding a band that really speaks to me and delving deep into that band, collecting all their recorded works, and learning band member names, facts, and history of the band. And in my opinion, if a band can speak to me in a way that isn't straight forward and with out using words to paint the picture or spell it all out, then they are truly the masters of their art.


"I went into the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life and see if I could not learn what I had to teach, and not, when I came time to die, discover that I had not lived." - Henry David Thoreau

this place

This place

This place

Once so foreign

Now more familiar

Than my own face.

This place

Never lets me down

It is always here

Whether I want it or not.

In this place

I can b

King of my domain

And master of my trade.

In this place

I can always find

The comforts of a friendly face

And the solidarity of routine.

This place

Is my life

My home

And my grave.

Heart of Hearts

Heart of Hearts.


How peculiar my heart has been these days.

As soothing as the rain against a window it once was

Like the ticking of a bombs clock it now sounds

Louder it grows and more unstable as the hours wither away.

This is the dawning of an era, a reckoning

And ever am I changing, never fully fledged, always a changeling

Still seeking what is seldom sought, the Heart of Hearts.

But when did it happen, this wretched change?

Did it creep in like storm clouds over the horizon?

Did it happen while I slept?

Or have I have been like this always and just now am I waking up?

Always will I be seeking that which is seldom sought, my Heart of Hearts.

work work fucking work.

I do not mind working at all; in fact I just might be a workaholic. I don’t always enjoy it but I do it because I have to do it to make a comfortable, content life for myself…oh, and because I love money. Hah. The place I work at I know won’t be my job for the rest of my life, but for right now it works for me. But there are two things that annoy me about it.
First, when everyone and their aborted baby feels the need to tell me that I can do better than this job and tells me what I “need” to do in order to have a “happy, normal life” but what if that isn’t what I want? What if I am fine with just being content, what if I’m okay with mediocrity? Just because you aren’t doesn’t mean I can’t? Well, to all you self-righteous assholes I say “FUCK YOU!”
Second, when some fucking jack hole gets a job and wastes everyone’s time and money to get the job and get trained and then proceeds to call in “sick” once a week and eventually quit because they are mad that their hours got cut. Oh and the icing that big slice of cake is, while calling and telling the employer that they are quitting, they tell them everything that they are doing wrong to run the business….yeah….about that…
Dear people that are like this, FUCK YOU! All you do is screw over everyone else and you don’t give a fucking damn about anyone other than yourself. You all are a bunch of fucking idiots with a fucking piss poor work ethic. And I fucking hate you all.
And
Dear entry level employees, you DO NOT know how to run a business. You are barely in your twenties, if that. So please SHUT THE FUCK UP and do your fucking job. Do what you fucking get paid to do. If that it too difficult for you or if it painfully interferes with your weekend party schedule, again I say SHUT THE FUCK UP and go somewhere else that will tolerate your goddamn bullshit. We do not want or need lazy ass fucking scum and the likes of you fucking everything up.
When you go about fucking things up you are not only screwing things up for the employer, you screw it up for everyone, the employer, the other employees, and most importantly the customer. You add on shit to the employers plate that is already stacked a mile high, you make the other employees have to work twice as hard and be twice as stressed out, and because of all that the customers get a sub standard quality of service. So fuck you, you fucking fucks.

I've heard this expression my entire life...never realized how peaceful a statement really is.

My entire life I have sat on the fence of religion. I was raised in a (somewhat) christian family and I have gone to church for as long as I can remember, but when it came to friends at school or work I would tell them that I did not believe in God just so I could fit in and be liked. But now that I'm at a point in my life where i don't care about what others think of me as much as I did then, I am completely unsure if I really do believe in God or not.

In one hand I think of all the things I learned growing up. That God is a just, kind, fair, loving God. That He is all powerful, always with me, forgiving and that He sent His son to die for me. And when I think of all that, it all seems so wonderful and amazing. And I wonder, how could I not believe in it.
And then there’s the other hand….Its not that I don’t believe in God, its just that im not sure if I can really believe in Him or not. There are just so many things that have happened to me personally, things that have happened to my friends and family, and things that I see going on in the world that make me think that there can’t possibly be a loving, caring, all-powerful God. Rape, abuse, murder, drugs addictions, drug dealers, prostitution, molestation, theft, corouption, kidnapping, etc. Where is God in all these things? Why does He allow them to happen? I have been told time and time again that all things happen for a reason. But I ask, what “reason” could possibly justify rape? or murder? I just don’t get it at all and for the past few years I have sought answers to thses questions and come up with nothing at all…so, for now, I just don’t know if I believe in God or not…